Becoming Beautiful
by we-will-not-fall-down
Summary: A look into the mind of Emma Nelson as she struggled to overcome her anorexia.   One-shot.


_**I've wanted to write this for such a long time now, but I only just got the courage to today. I want to warn you that it's not well written, but I felt like I needed to write it anyway, because this story has to be told. Well, the story already has been told, a lot of times, but not by me. I felt the need to upload this because I wanted you all to see the thoughts of someone who has ever dealt with this disease. **_

_**I don't own Degrassi, or Believe in Me by Demi Lovato. Although, if you deal with body-image issues, I highly suggest you listen to it along with Beautiful by Bethany Dillon. I promise, it's truly worth it.**_

_**This is dedicated to all of you who have ever looked in the mirror and thought you weren't beautiful. I hope this makes you realize that you're more beautiful than you could ever imagine. **_

Becoming Beautiful: The Emma Nelson Diaries

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><p>"We could get rid of it." As soon as I said these words, I knew Manny would deny it. After all, throwing up all the food she just ate did seem a bit dramatic. But it was worth it if I could lose some weight. The one thing Manny didn't know was that I hadn't eaten anything in the first place, so purging would be worse in my case than it would be for her. But, I was the fat one; she just needed to lose a few pounds. I, on the other hand, have to lose so many just to be like all the other girls.<p>

"It's not called purging, it's called bulimia." I rolled my eyes, responding with "Desperate times call for desperate measures, Manny." I then pulled her into the bathroom, smiling the entire time. I was smiling because I was taking the steps to becoming beautiful.

* * *

><p>I haven't eaten anything and actually kept it down in four days. Manny thinks I kept my dinner down last night, so she's stopped bothering. My mom hasn't even noticed that there was something wrong with my eating habits. Not that there was anything wrong. I'm just becoming beautiful, simple as that.<p>

I walked over to the full length mirror, and looked at myself. Hate filled my mind. Why couldn't I be beautiful, like Paige, Manny, even Alex? Why did I have to be so disgusting? Why was I cursed with this horrible body, the one I hated with a fiery passion? These thoughts were the things that reminded me that I can't eat. They help me keep going on this journey. It wasn't an easy journey, but it was a journey that was necessary for me to take if I wanted to be happy.

Sure, the numbers on the scale changed every day. My weight was dropping like crazy. But, the one thing that never changed was the body mass of the person staring back at me. No matter how much weight I technically lost, I was still fat. I still wasn't beautiful. And I refused to settle for anything less than perfection.

So, when Snake came over with his special lasagna, I promised Manny I would eat it. And I was planning on keeping that promise. I would eat the dinner; I just wouldn't keep it down. I never promised Manny I would keep it down, now did I?

"I think this may be one of _those_ moments, so I'm gonna go get the camera." Everyone was cheering as I went off to 'get the camera.' Instead of walking towards my bedroom, I walked into the bathroom, knelt onto the floor, and stuck my finger in my mouth.

I cringed, hating the feeling before I threw up. Everyone makes it seem like you stick your finger down your throat and BAM, instant puke, but they're wrong. You gag, and you can't get yourself to throw up, and it's just plain hell. But, after a few tries, eventually it comes, and you feel so accomplished that you realize it was _totally_ worth the few minutes of torture.

I walked out of the bathroom smiling, feeling so proud that I had fooled my mother, Snake, and _Manny_ into thinking that I was just going to get the camera. There was no way I was letting either of them get in the way of me becoming beautiful.

* * *

><p>The next week at school, Manny kept badgering me about eating more than protein bars. I told her that they were healthy, and that they were a perfectly good source of nutrients. Hey, maybe that was true. But I wasn't eating them. They were a prop, to make it look like I'm actually eating something. I don't care what other people think , but I'm tired of Manny badgering me about eating all of the time. I need her to get off my back and live her own life.<p>

It's been two weeks now and I'm still not beautiful. Sure, I'll eat a little every now and then to keep myself alive, but that shouldn't stop me from becoming beautiful. Why am I like this? My body is disgusting. It's like it's playing some joke on me, that, when the joke is over, I'll see what it really looks like and it will stop looking so ugly and gross. But, whenever I look in the mirror, I don't see something beautiful. I still see hideousness.

Manny and Peter are both worried now, but I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. The only thing that matters is looking perfect. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there.

* * *

><p>I passed out yesterday. I never thought I'd say this, but it felt so good. I know, you probably think I'm a psycho, but it showed that at least my body was realizing that I wasn't eating. Maybe now it will change physically too.<p>

"Emma!" I turned around to see Manny staring at me, her hands on her hips. Oh, dear God, here comes another rant about how not eating is not healthy. I'm sick of them; doesn't she realize that her words have no affect on my whatsoever?

"Em, I'm so worried about you. You're not eating, I know it. Don't tell me all these lies about how you eat, because they're not true. I know you, Em, and this isn't you. This crazy person who acts insane all of the time? Yeah, that's not Emma Nelson. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose you. I don't know what I would do if I did." She wrapped her arms around me, and I did my best not to roll my eyes. If she would just stop worrying about me, then we could both get on with our lives. But, if there was one thing I was amazing at, it was acting.

The 'tears' started to fall, and I hugged Manny back. "You're so right, Manny. I'm going to stop this right now. It's not safe, I'm not safe. Come on, let's go get a cheeseburger or something." Manny looked up at me with her big brown eyes, and a huge smile appeared on her face. She believed me. I sort of felt bad for manipulating her like this, but she had to be stopped, or else she was going to tell my mom about my eating habits.

So, I went to the cafeteria and got a cheeseburger with Manny. Eating it made me feel sick, but I continued to do so to make Manny happy. After that she walked me to my class, making sure I didn't make any pit stops at the bathroom. When I didn't even attempt to get away, she pulled me back into her arms and told me how happy she was that I was back. She's crazy. I was never gone. So, when she walked away, I asked my teacher to go to the bathroom and did what needed to be done. The pain beforehand was unbearable, probably because my body was clinging to the first food I had fed it in almost a week. But, eventually, it gave it up, and I smiled as I flushed the toilet.

* * *

><p>Manny and Peter told my mom everything. I had a panic attack that was brought on by <em>myself. <em>I did that to myself. I _starved_ myself. A therapist came to the hospital, and diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa. At first, I was scared that in the hospital they would make me eat. But, after a few days, I realized that I couldn't keep this insane diet up. I was going to die if I did so, leaving Manny, Peter, my Mom, Snake, Jack, and everyone else I care about so deeply to mourn my loss.

I'm not saying that stopping this diet is going to be easy. Hell, it's probably going to be the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. For the past three weeks, I have eaten normal amounts and actually let me body digest them, but that doesn't mean I haven't had any thoughts of trying it again. I just do my best to remember Manny's words, and that's usually enough inspiration for me.

My therapist tells me that it never gets easy. She told me that these thoughts of doing it again will never leave my mind, because anorexia isn't 'a lifestyle.' It's a disease, not a choice. The definition of my disease is this : An eating disorder identified by an "obsession" for thinness. Characteristic features include drastic weight loss resulting from dieting and/or intense exercise, poor body image, a drive for thinness and fear of weight gain.

That obsession never leaves my mind. I still want to make myself thinner by not eating. But, the key thing in this situation is that I _ignore_ those thoughts. I believe I can overcome this disease, and I will do my best to do so on my own. But, I'm not going to be afraid to ask for help. If I need Manny's help, so be it. If I need to call my therapist on a day we weren't scheduled to have a meeting, then so be it. I will do anything to avoid going back into that insane crazy lifestyle.

I've learned a lot from overcoming that disease, but if there is one thing that is the most important, it would be this: Everyone in the entire world is perfect in unusual ways. And so, I, Emma Nelson, have become beautiful. Not by starving myself, but by truly _believing _that I'm beautiful.


End file.
